My Granddaughter & The Great Minecraft Disaster/ Blessing

By Bill Harley

Most Monday afternoons, Jean and I have a virtues class for our three grandchildren Sofia (7), Daniel (6) and Kira (3).  The other day was like most Mondays—we learned about a virtue (in this case, kindness), read a story about kindness; and then the kids used arts and crafts to creatively express the virtue of kindness. 

At this point, as usual, the kids’ attention spans were exhausted and they played for a couple of hours.  Kira played with dolls and the miniature kitchen while Daniel and Sofia got out their tablets and sat together at the dining room table playing the computer game called Minecraft, which seems to be the current rage for children.  All I can tell you about this game is that players can create detailed and imaginative “houses” or living spaces with structures, landscaping and creatures; and the possibilities in this virtual reality are endless.  My attention span for Minecraft is exhausted quickly; the kids’ attention span for it seems unlimited.

Sofia and Daniel were showing each other the “houses” each had laboriously built over the last week and then extending and expanding upon their construction efforts while maintaining a continuous dialogue together.  Since everyone seemed fully engaged, I tiptoed into my home office in the adjoining room to get some work done.

Then suddenly, I could hear that there was upset at the Minecraft table.  Sofia had somehow lost the “house” structure she had been building for the last week and couldn’t seem to get it back even with Daniel’s considerable help.  After much work and some tears, there didn’t seem to be any solution.  Sofia’s week of work had evaporated and she was crushed.

Sofia had tears in her eyes and a crestfallen expression on her face as she climbed up into my lap.  She said, “Grandpa, what can I do?  I worked so hard on that house and I was so proud of what I had created.”  I sensed how she felt and didn’t know quite what to say.  But then I had a memory-pop that cleared my head. 

I said, “I’m so sorry you lost your house, but you know, Sofia, I had something just like this happen to me when I was in college.  I had just finished writing a 10-page paper which was due the next day.  I needed to do well on this paper to finish up my degree in English and American Literature so I had worked very hard on it—just like you did on your house.  I was living with a bunch of other guys in a rooming house, had left my type-written paper (there were no computers in those days) on the desk in my room and went out to get some dinner.”

“When I returned an hour later, my paper was gone.  I looked everywhere for it, asked everyone if they had seen it, and no one knew anything about it.  It was a disaster—just like you losing your house that you had worked so hard on.  I was really tired and wanted to go to bed, but realized that I had to rewrite the paper from memory during the night so that I could turn it in at my class the next day when it was due.  Because there were no computers in those days, there was no record of the paper except the memory in my head.”

“So I drank a few cups of coffee and started rewriting the paper.  I worked on it the whole night and remembered some of the paper; but a funny thing happened.  As I worked along, I thought of many new ideas that were better than the ideas in my first paper.  I realized that I had learned a lot by doing the first paper and now I was finding deeper understanding, meaning and creativity in writing the second paper.  By the time the sun came up the next morning, I was nearly finished retyping the second paper and felt exhausted.  My class was the first hour of the day.  I got there a little late, running most of the way and out of breath.  The professor was already lecturing the class.  I walked to the front of the room, placed my paper on the lectern table, left the classroom and went back to my room collapsing into my bed.”

“The next week when I went to class, the professor returned all of the student papers.  When I received mine, the grade at the top was A+.  It was the highest grade I had ever received! Plus, the professor said that it was a truly excellent paper, exceptionally well-written, and that he wanted my permission to add it to a small collection of essays in the university library that students could look at to see examples of excellent papers.  Of course, I said ‘Yes!’  As I walked to my next class, I thought to myself, maybe I can be a writer!”

When I looked at Sofia after this long story, I could see that she was thinking intently.  I said, “So what do you think, Sofia?  When my first paper disappeared, was it disaster or a blessing?”  She thought for a minute and then said, “It was both, Grandpa!”  I said, “You are so right, Sofia.  A lot of things in life are like that.  Something happens that looks very bad, but in the end it turns out to be really good because it made us struggle to do better and be better.  It appears you have lost your house in Minecraft and that looks very bad; but maybe you need to struggle to rebuild your house and, with all that you learned by building the last house that disappeared, the next house will be much more creative, beautiful and interesting than the last one because you have grown in capacity.  You may end up saying to yourself, maybe I can be an architect!”

With that, Sofia smiled at me, slid down off my lap, went back to her tablet, and opened Minecraft again.  As I watched her working away at her new house, I said to myself, “Gosh, this 7-year old has already learned something very important about the spiritual, social and intellectual growth patterns that an all-loving Creator has designed into life—growth patterns Jean and I didn’t figure out until we were adults!”  Jean and I describe these patterns in our book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing? (Discover Life’s Purpose).

What You Are Speaks So Loudly I Can't Hear What You Are Saying

By Bill Harley

The title sentence is attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, lecturer, and poet.  What he actually wrote is “Don’t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.”  This was written in the 19th Century, but it is highly relevant to us in the 21st.  Emerson seems to be saying that people’s being and doing attributes tell more about who they are than what they say.  In other words, talk is cheap if it does not align with who you are being and what you are doing in your life.

Authenticity in a human is characterized by harmonious alignment in a person’s being, doing and speakingattributes—all three convey the same thing about the quality of the person.  Put another way, authenticity means that our deeds and words agree; and that our outward behavior mirrors our inner life.  This kind of harmonious alignment is very rare in today’s world, which contributes to the distrust, lethargy and disunity that infuse societies.  The world is in crying need of less inauthenticity, hypocrisy and duplicity.

Granted, moving from inauthenticity to total authenticity as a person is probably a life-long task.  But moving consistently and expeditiously in this direction is within reach for us all.  However, it is only possible when a person’s true self or higher nature is leading their being, doing and speaking; and the true self can only do this when it is aligned with the true purposes of life. 

For example, one of the three ultimate purposes of life is to know and love the Creator.  The human heart by its very nature seeks to attach to something.  If your heart attaches to worldly things, your lower nature (rather than your true self) is invigorated and you start to mirror forth worldly qualities such as acquisitiveness, competitiveness, and preoccupation with transitory things.  The energy of your lower nature prevents you from fulfilling the purpose of knowing and loving your Creator and leads to misalignments between your doing, being and saying—you become increasingly inauthentic.  For example, you may espouse a lofty social or spiritual principle, but those around you easily see that your behavior contradicts what you say. 

On the other hand, if your heart attaches to spiritual things—to learning to know and love the Creator—your true self or higher nature is invigorated and you start to mirror forth spiritual qualities such as detachment, collaboration, integrity, purity of heart and independence of spirit.  The energy of your true self leads to increasing alignment between your doing, being and saying—you become increasingly authentic.  For example, you may espouse a lofty social or spiritual principle, and those around you easily see that your behavior aligns with what you say.  In the context of Emerson’s maxim, what you are speaks so loudly that it adds great impact to what you are saying.  And this, in turn, helps you fulfill another one of the three ultimate purposes of life: to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization.

Jean’s and my first book—Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?—explains in much greater detail how to achieve this alignment and better fulfill the three ultimate purposes of life.

How Are You Navigating The River Of Life?

By Bill Harley

Life is like a river—long and winding—that leads ultimately to the ocean. Each of us is in our own boat on this river; and most of us are not clear about the purpose or nature of the journey. We are just trying to find our way and learn as we go.

There are many currents in the river pushing and pulling us in various directions. What currents should we submit to and which should we resist? We are faced with the challenge of learning to “read” the river. One kind of ripple on the water’s surface may indicate shallows on which we could run aground and get stuck. Another pattern on the water may indicate an underwater deadhead that could rip a hole in our hull and sink us. Still another water pattern may indicate rapids that could either speed our journey or capsize our boat. Sometimes the river divides and the currents could either carry us down the main channel toward the ocean or into an off chute that is clogged with brush, rocks or swampy overgrowth. As we travel down the river, we witness many who have failed to read the river and have fallen victim to its perils.

In addition to the water currents in the river, there are many and various forces blowing over the surface of the water. The passion-driven winds of competitive consumer culture and partisan political discourse can blow us here and there, upstream, downstream and across-stream distracting us from the river’s onward march. Which forces will expedite our journey and which will entangle us in misdirection?

If we are not clear about the ultimate purposes of the river journey and which currents are our friends and which our foes, we are at the mercy of both the river’s changing currents and the various forces blowing over the water’s surface. We can not truly navigate the river because we are not clear about the nature of the destination or which river forces are aiding our journey.

Most people assume that the purpose of this river journey is an existential question that cannot be answered. Years ago, Jean and I wondered about this and decided to research the answers in the only repositories that have been progressively exploring this question throughout human history—the scriptures of the major world religions—humankind’s common faith heritage. And a funny thing happened. We found consensus about the river journey. We discovered that the purposes of the journey are to learn to know and love the evidences of the Creator’s hand in and along the river; to develop spiritual attributes such as compassion, humility, and integrity and exercise them in our interactions with others during the journey; and to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization both on the river and along its banks.

We also discovered consensus in the world’s Holy Books about which currents of the river we need to navigate toward because they truly aid our journey. These currents include those that move us toward spiritual reality; those that draw forth our true self; those that move us toward the guided condition; those that move us toward spiritual growth; and those that move us toward collaborative rather than adversarial human interactions.

We discovered that when we navigate the river of life honoring these three purposes and yielding only to these helpful river currents, we ultimately arrive at the ocean; and recognize it as the ocean of reunion with our Creator.

We packed our first book with many more insights, maps and navigational tools to expedite your river journey. The book is entitled, “Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?” We hope our findings will transform your life journey.

Inner Work Is the Hardest Work To Do, Or Avoid

By Bill Harley

Doing your inner work is heavy lifting.  Jean and I have noticed that towards the end of counseling or coaching sessions, our clients often say, “Wow.  I’m really tired!”  Our reply is always that inner work is the hardest work a person can do.  It’s also the hardest work a person can avoid, because not doing it makes life dramatically more difficult for the person and those around him or her.

Inner work is working to improve the quality of what is going on inside you.  It is getting more in touch with your true self, which is your soul, spirit or higher nature.  It is getting clearer about the messages and impulses coming from inside your being; and learning to differentiate between those that come from your higher nature and those that come from your animal or lower nature.  Once you do this, it becomes much easier to turn the volume down on the impulses coming from your lower nature, and turn the volume up on those coming from your higher nature.  Once we do this, we free ourselves to better fulfill the purposes of life.  If we put these new insights into action, we typically grow intellectually, socially and spiritually.

Why is this work so hard and exhausting?  At least one reason is that much of what goes on inside us is tightly held, unexamined, and connected with what we think will keep us safe.  It’s like a muscle that has been clenched so long it is locked in place.  Other atrophied muscles around the clenched muscle must be activated and strengthened to take over part of the load, which is very hard work.  And, when the long-clenched muscle unlocks as a result of the inner work, we become conscious of just how exhausted that muscle is.  So, inner work is the hardest work we can do, but doing it releases both our human and our spiritual potential.  These ideas are more fully developed in Jean’s and my book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?

The Story You're Telling Yourself Is Inhibiting Your Growth

By Bill Harley

A useful question I often ask myself and my coaching clients is: What is the story you are telling yourself about that situation?

It’s a natural human tendency to try to interpret for ourselves “the truth” about any experience, relationship or problem we have had or are having. Often these “truths” are only half-truths or even untruths that keep us safe, but prevent us from growing intellectually, socially and spiritually.

During my college years, my family was pressing me to pursue a particular career path that I intuitively knew to be toxic to my being.  To close off this career path to myself, I intentionally failed a key final exam.  The immediate problem went away, but for years afterwards, I told myself the story that I had failed in this path, that it showed some flaw in my character, and that it was shameful.  For about fifteen years after that decision and interpretation of “the truth”, I distrusted my intuition and worked very hard to avoid failure at anything and everything.  As a result, I went down career paths that were only slightly less toxic for me than the one I avoided by failing the exam.

Eventually, I discovered the career I am now in and intuitively knew this was it—it was the path for me that held passion and deeply meaningful service to others.  And I came to realize that “the truth” of my situation was different than what I had earlier concluded.  In fact, my intuition had saved me from a toxic career pathway back in my college years, and now it had guided me again to the right path in my later years.  The years in between when I distrusted by intuition were years when I was off the path.  This revision to the story I was telling myself freed me to honor my intuition along with my reason and emotions; and it accelerated my growth in my chosen field.

All of us tell ourselves stories about situations in our lives.  Many of the “truths” in these stories are ripe for revision.  Suspect stories include: Trusting my intuition gets me into trouble; I am not good in relationships; I am a loser; I have no creativity; I’ll never blossom in life; People will take advantage of me if I give them an opening, etc.  See if you can come up with some other examples from your own life of stories you are telling yourself that may be keeping you too safe to grow.  Jean’s and my book explores these concepts in more depth.  It’s entitled, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?

Crossing The Swamp Of Change To Growth →

By Bill Harley

Not long ago, I tweeted the following: “The change and growth process is like crossing a swamp.  You will get wet, muddy and be awkward.  It won’t be tidy.”  I do have some experience with crossing a swamp.  When I was a teenager, I talked my girlfriend into paddling a canoe into an algae-covered swamp to catch mud turtles with me.  She was paddling in the stern and I was grabbing for turtles in the bow when, reaching a little too far, I capsized the canoe.  When I surfaced seconds later, the canoe, now filled with water, had settled right-side-up and my girlfriend had already scrambled back into it.  Like me, she was covered with mud and green muck.  Trembling in her seat, near tears, and with her arms tightly folded in front of her, she demanded that I return her to shore.

Thinking to myself “This can’t be too tough”, I said out loud, “No problem!”  I could feel the bottom under me, but when I stepped down to get traction to start pushing the canoe toward shore, my foot and leg slipped down further and further in the mud—there was no bottom.  Then I tried swimming behind the canoe and pushing the water-filled boat toward shore.  The boat was so heavy in the weed-filled water that each swimming stroke only moved the boat about a foot.  Needless to say, it took about twenty minutes to push the boat to shore.  Wheezing for air, covered in mud and weeds, I stumbled clumsily out of the water and collapsed next to the boat.  As I lay there trying to collect myself, my earlier words were still ringing in my ears: “No problem!”

The personal and collective change and growth process is like crossing a swamp.  My personal experiences and those of my coaching clients tell me that is so.  However, we live in a culture that expects change and growth to be achieved tidily and gracefully—we should never look disheveled and ungainly.  How much change and growth is avoided because of these expectations?  Where could we be if we embraced the reality of crossing the swamp of change to growth?  Where are you willing to get messy and awkward in order to invite change and growth into your life?

For more inspiration, concepts and tools for personal transformation, see Jean’s and my book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?

Unity In Diversity

By Jean Harley

I have just finished reading Kao Kalia Yang’s book The Latehomecomer: A Hmong Family Memoir.  It is a memoir of a Hmong woman, and the connecting thread throughout the book is her relationship with,  and observations of,  her Grandmother—her history, what she had been through, what she meant to her family, and her strength of spirit that held the large family together.   

While I believe that we are all brothers and sisters spiritually, it is sometimes hard to feel warmth and love for those whose culture seems strange.  Lack of true understanding can be a barrier to feeling like brothers and sisters.  This book portrays the Hmong culture in such a sensitive way that you feel more intimately connected to what formerly seemed strange.  

Many of the people in the book exemplified virtues that we can learn from.  They showed great patience, humility, resignation, and acceptance.  They lived with little and were able to appreciate small but beautiful things.  They worked hard without complaining about difficulties.  Family loyalty and companionship were all-important.  

As we interact more with others who are from different cultures, we will benefit by observing and experiencing virtues that have been more highly developed or developed differently than our own.  We are blessed to live in a day when we can start learning from all the diversity around us.  This learning and appreciation will bring together people of all kinds, overwhelming the traditions and prejudices that create separations.

For more ideas about how to create meaningful connections in your life, check out our book, “Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?: Discover Life’s Purpose”

Mining Your Gems

By Jean Harley

Think of yourself as a mine full of gems just waiting to be discovered.  The treasures hidden there belong only to you.  They are part of who you are.  You might wonder why you haven’t discovered them before and why nobody else ever pointed them out to you.  The truth is that it takes insight and understanding to be on the lookout for them.  As a grandmother I’m looking carefully to identify gems in my grandchildren.

My 6 year old granddaughter, Sofia, brought home a painting she had done in her kindergarten art class.  When I saw it I was amazed—it is so colorful, interesting, and beautiful.  She, however, wasn’t thinking it was anything special– just something she liked doing.   I recognize that while she may not become a great artist, painting is definitely one of the talents she has been given.  It is one of the gems she carries inside.   As a grandmother, I want to help mine and polish those gems. I am having the painting framed to give her talent the recognition it deserves.

When I was Sofia’s age, I didn’t care much for painting or drawing and I didn’t get any encouragement to do it.  But in college I took some art history classes, went on an art history tour, got an M.A. in Art History, and worked as an education lecturer at an art museum.  As a bonus I was offered drawing and painting classes free of charge.  It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.  Over time I discovered I loved the whole painting process.  I don’t know whether providence or luck led me to those art classes, but I discovered a new gem.   And mining that gem still gives me hours of joy.  

You have gems in you just waiting to be discovered.  Think about things you enjoy doing or have enjoyed doing in the past.  Maybe it is time to develop those likes and interests further.  

For more ideas about how to find the gems in you and in your life, check out our book, “Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?: Discover Life’s Purpose”