How The Truth Is Revealed: Part 2 -- A Lesson From Astronomy

By Bill Harley

I’ve blogged before about the practice of “Dispassionate Disagreement”, which is introduced in Jean’s and my second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.  Being able to disagree in a dispassionate way is an important part of finding truth as we consult together.  A number of our readers have asked for more clarification on this subject to support their use of the revolutionary process called Compassionate Consultation for making decisions and solving problems in groups (or alone).

“Dispassionate Disagreement” sounds like an oxymoron to people who live in a culture where “passionate disagreement” is the norm; but not getting to the truth of a matter is also the norm in such a culture.  One way to think of this is that your lower nature, your ego-driven self, is competitive and prefers passionate disagreement; while your higher nature, your true self, is compassionate, collaborative and prefers dispassionate disagreement.  Our book and the previous blog illustrate how maintaining both dispassionate disagreement and an atmosphere of compassion among the deliberating group members are critical to effectively searching out and revealing the truth of a given situation—otherwise the truth remains hidden.  These qualities and others create a culture, climate and energy frequency conducive to truth-seeking and truth-finding with the members’ true selves in the lead.

Our previous blog on this subject explained that “Those who are skilled at Dispassionate Disagreement have a different approach to the clash of ideas.  They don’t focus on the thought collisions and how to win the argument; they focus on the sparks emanating from the thought collisions that illuminate new terrain leading to the truth and transformative solutions.  They are dispassionate about the clash of ideas, but passionate about the collaborative search for truth.”  In that blog, we also illustrated how dispassionate disagreement would allow us to create a truly balanced, effective social welfare system.

A Lesson from Astronomy—Looking Indirectly At the Clash of Differing Opinions

Another way to understand dispassionate disagreement is to think of it as the ability to look indirectly at, or slightly off to the side of, the clash of differing opinions for the spark of new insight, illumination and guidance that may appear.  The field of astronomy holds a relevant lesson.  If we attempt to look into the dark sky directly at a particular star, it is almost impossible to see it clearly.  This is because the starlight falls on the cones in the retinas of our eyes when we look directly at the star; and, while the cones see color, they are not as sensitive at seeing light as the rods in our eyes.  However, when we look indirectly at, or slightly off to the side of, the star, we can see the star more clearly because now the starlight falls on the rods in the retinas of our eyes.  While the rods only see black and white, they are more sensitive than the cones in the darkness and allow us to see light more clearly.  Therefore, when we want to see a point of light clearly in the darkness, we should look off to the side or indirectly at the object. 

And this is also true in the Compassionate Consultation process.  Combining compassion with consultation is designed for situations when we are in darkness.  Bahá’u’lláh, who presented this process to the world, says, “Consultation…is a shining light which, in a dark world, leadeth the way and guideth” (Bahá’u’lláh, quoted in Consultation: A Compilation, p. 3.).  Rather than focusing directly on the clash of differing opinions, if we create a Compassionate Consultation culture in which we dispassionately and mindfully look off to the side of the clash, we will not only see the clash more clearly and objectively, but we will also better see the sparks emanating from the clash that illuminate the path to understanding and truth.

Dispassionate Disagreement is just one of 12 Behavioral Standards that inform the revolutionary decision-making process called Compassionate Consultation, which is the deliberation process for the 21st Century and beyond.  For the full story, read our second book entitled, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

Your Personal "Growth Lab" Within The Spiritual Growth Lab Of Life

By Bill Harley

In Jean’s and my first book (Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?), after surveying the Holy Books of the major world religions and studying the Watchman Parable, we concluded that life on this earthly plane has been designed by an all-loving creator as a spiritual growth labwith tailored experiences for each of us to foster our growth.  Many of us are not using life this way, but our first book makes the case for why we should be.  Our second book, TRANSFORMED:How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, introduces Compassionate Consultation—the decision-making and problem-solving methodology that can maximize our individual and collective time in the spiritual growth lab of life.

What is a lab?  It’s a productive workspace where deliberate experimentation and scrutiny take place in the search for knowledge; and careful actions, reflection, learning, deductions, intuitions, testing, adjustments and advances are consistently made.  When utilized, a lab accelerates learning and growth.

Optimally navigating the spiritual growth lab of life requires an approach both spiritual and scientific; an orientation both mystical and practical; an engagement of both heart and mind.  It’s a challenge to walk this path on one’s own.  Our books and blogs (see www.billandjeanharley.com) are resources to assist people so they don’t have to walk this path alone; and here is an idea for another resource you can create to support your growth goals.

Recently, we launched The Growth Lab for people in the Twin Cities region of Minnesota.  It’s a monthly space where those navigating the spiritual growth lab of life can come together to cross-fertilize learning, and share tests, difficulties, discoveries and victories.  It’s a space where our individual paths intersect for a while so that we can better recognize and understand the Wall-Seeking dynamics in our lives, become more skilled at Compassionate Consultation decision-making, and renew our vision and energy for growth.

Many of you don’t live in this geographic region; but there is nothing to stop you from creating your own Growth Lab with people who want to study these two books and put into practice the principles they contain.  Some people are doing this in their own homes by starting a book club with neighbors; others are surrounding themselves with a cadre of supportive people to discuss and apply these principles; some are scheduling regular meetings with their significant other—at home or in a coffee shop—to share ideas about applying the principles while enriching their relationships as well; and some are choosing a key friend to meet with regularly to reflect on the growth dynamics in their lives, extract learning and plan new actions.

In all these settings, and in new ones you might create, people can better align themselves with the true purposes of life, become more skilled at navigating their own growth, learn to make decisions and solve problems in transformative ways, and help others do the same.  And in the process, each of these groups of people is creating a nucleus of advancing civilization.

Jean and I commit to sharing with you the learning from our Growth Lab in future blogs; we hope you too will commit to sharing with us the learning from yours.  When your nucleus of advancing civilization combines with ours, we call that spiritual/social fusion.  We know from science that fusion releases huge amounts of energy—energy enough to change the world.

Are You Making Progress Or Just Making Change?

By Bill Harley

We talk a great deal in the world about progress.  We all want it, but what is it?  Many people define it as “moving forward”.  However, moving forward assumes an agreement about the direction we are going and the goal or outcome we seek.  When there is no such agreement, “moving forward” is perceived as progress by some and regression by others.  Much of the “progress” we track in the world is simply change.  Many people assume that most of the change created by our governmental bodies, institutions, organizations and popular culture represents progress.  But how do we know for sure?

After being released from forty years of imprisonment and exile in 1908, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, certainly one of the most luminous figures of the 20th Century, traveled from the Middle East to the West spending a large part of the year 1911 in Europe and of the year 1912 in the United States.  During one of his talks in Paris he provided a definition of the word “progress”.  He said,

  Progress is the expression of spirit in the world of matter. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 90.)

This profound statement has many dimensions to it.  At least one of them seems to be that progress occurs when spiritual principles are expressed or manifested in the material world.  All of a sudden, we have our bearings on what progress means and how to achieve it. 

Spiritual principles come from the scriptures of the major world religions.  Some examples of spiritual principles are: loving one another, being honest and having integrity, treating our neighbor as we want to be treated, obedience to law, forgiving others and turning the other cheek, striving for fairness and justice, the oneness of humankind, the equality of women and men, maintaining social order, taking responsibility for the well-being of the natural world, submission to God, protecting the dignity of all human beings, achieving universal education of both girls and boys, and eliminating all forms of prejudice. 

It follows then from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s definition that if we make decisions and take actions in which we express or manifest these and other spiritual principles in the world, the result is progress.  If we make decisions and take actions in which we reduce the expression of spiritual principles in the world, the result is regression.  This would be true for individuals, couples, families, organizations, institutions and governmental bodies.

Our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, introduces Compassionate Consultation as a deliberative, decision-making and problem-solving process which assures the outcome of progress.  This is because the 4th step is to “Identify & Agree on the Spiritual Principles Involved” in relation to the issue being addressed.  As a result, the subsequent solutions and decisions generated by the process further express “spirit in the world of matter”.  Progress is assured.

Sometimes, the spiritual principles involved can have direct relationships; for example, two principles we want to honor can reinforce each other as with “loving one another” and “treating our neighbor as we want to be treated”.  At other times, the spiritual principles related to an issue can have indirect relationships; for example, two principles can restrain or counter-balance each other as with “forgiving others and turning the other cheek” and “striving for fairness and justice”.  Either way—whether the relationships are direct or indirect—agreeing on the spiritual principles we want to honor deepens the deliberation, sheds light on the optimal solutions, and guides us to enlightened decisions which foster progress. 

If you want to be an agent of progress in the world at the micro or macro level, start identifying and agreeing on the spiritual principles involved before you start deliberating on solutions.  For more information, read our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

The Missing Loom

By Bill Harley

Poet Edna St. Vincent Millay described the modern age with haunting clarity in these lines from one of her poems:

“Upon this gifted age, in its dark hour,
Rains from the sky a meteoric shower
Of facts . . . they lie unquestioned, uncombined.
Wisdom enough to leech us of our ill
Is daily spun; but there exists no loom
To weave it into fabric.” *

There is intense hunger in the world to find the loom.  Your friends, neighbors, co-workers, people you pass on the street, young and old, rich and poor, famous and forgotten, those with advanced degrees and no degrees, people of all colors and ethnicities, and you and me—we are all searching for the loom. 

What is the loom?  It’s the purpose of life, the meaning of this earthly existence, that which we should be striving for, the role of the Creator if there is one, and the responsibilities of the human being if there are any.  We are all intensely hungry for meaning and understanding.  That’s how we are wired.

It may not look like it on the surface because our culture and the various media that drive it keep us amused, consumed, addicted to the trivial rather than the meaningful, the superficial rather than the profound, and the material rather than the spiritual.  But scratch the surface of the human interface with a question, release a heavy sigh of weariness with the status quo, or invite someone to help you search for the loom, and the hunger shows itself.

It is probably the reason that Jean and I have been getting feedback from readers that people are finding great success starting book clubs in their neighborhoods focusing on our first book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?  In the book we share the results of our research into the Holy Books of all the world’s major religions and share the remarkable consensus that exists in them on the following subjects: the three ultimate purposes of life; the social, intellectual and spiritual growth patterns designed into life by an all-loving Creator; the nature of the tailored growth curriculum that exists for each person; and how each person can take action in their personalized curriculum to better fulfill the purposes of life.

The reports we are getting say that the collaborative study in these book clubs is leading to highly stimulating interactions, rapidly deepening friendships, profound sharing of life experiences and insights, and increasing clarity about the loom—that is, knowing why we are here and what we should be doing.

Jean and I encourage you to invite your friends, neighbors and acquaintances to such a book club.  At the neighborhood level you can provide the loom and begin collaboratively weaving the fabric of an advancing civilization.  And please keep us posted on your progress.

*Edna St. Vincent Millay, from “Upon This Age That Never Speaks Its Mind,” Collected Sonnets(New York: Harper Perennial, 1988), p. 140.

How The Truth Remains Hidden...And How It Is Revealed

By Bill Harley

We’ve become very good at passionate disagreement in our communities, our country and the world today.  Passion can be useful in surfacing concerns and issues that need to be addressed, but it can also cloud reason.  Maybe that is why we are having such a hard time deliberating together on problems and actually making effective decisions to solve them.  When people passionately disagree, the truth remains hidden.  People’s egos become so attached to their ideas that their eyes go blind and their ears go deaf to nuance and subtlety (to learn more about detaching your ego from your ideas read our recent blog entry).

Consider our partisan, adversarial political processes.  The left articulates and promotes its views with passionate intensity; and the right does the same.  The news media magnify the passionate intensity from their own partisan editorial stances.  From the adversarial contention we get the impression that it must be one way or the other; it can be liberal or conservative, but not both.  One side needs to win. 

But liberal and conservative, left and right, are false dichotomies.  Virtually any robust solution to any significant problem requires a subtle blend of liberal and conservative principles.  For example, we need a social welfare system that cares for those people who can’t care for themselves—the human family needs to care for all of its own; but the system also needs to encourage those who can care for themselves to do so—otherwise we deprive people of the sense of dignity, meaning and community that comes from doing work; and the system needs to be affordable and sustainable—if we go bankrupt, no one is served.  Building a carefully balanced system like this requires a sensitive interpenetration of liberal and conservative ideas (and other perspectives as well).  Nuanced, truly effective solutions can only be achieved through a collaborative spirit in which the subtle, grey areas in the middle ground get fully explored; and then the truth of the matter is revealed.

False dichotomies that keep the truth hidden flourish in any environment in which people’s ideas conflict with passionate intensity—whether in a family, a community, an organization, a city, a state, a nation or the world.  Only people who have learned the skill of Dispassionate Disagreement can step outside the false dichotomies, explore the subtle, grey middle ground, and clearly see that we need both liberal and conservative perspectives—and probably several others—to reach the “sweet spot” of a just, unifying and robustly effective decision.  This is the only reliable way to get the truth of a matter to reveal itself.  It also builds trust into the deliberative atmosphere (see our book for more information about creating an atmosphere and culture of trust during deliberation).

Here is the crux.  Those who are skilled at Dispassionate Disagreement have a different approach to the clash of ideas.  They don’t focus on the thought collisions and how to win the argument; they focus on the sparks emanating from the thought collisions that illuminate new terrain leading to the truth and transformative solutions.  They are dispassionate about the clash of ideas, but passionate about the collaborative search for truth.  Dispassionate Disagreement is just one of 12 Behavioral Standards that inform the revolutionary decision-making process called Compassionate Consultation.  Compassionate Consultation is the deliberation process for the 21st Century and beyond.  For the full story, read our second book entitled, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions that Change Your Life.

If It Works For A Family, It Can Work For The World

By Bill Harley

(Photo By Nancy Wong)

Jean and I recently met up with old friends and made new ones at the 2017 Green Lake Bahá’í Conference.  The focus of this year’s conference was on the family unit as a component of the family of humankind.  Jean and I led workshops on using Compassionate Consultation in the family. Using Compassionate Consultation is a wonderful way to make transformative decisions that solve problems in ways that are just and unifying for the whole family. 

We used deliberative examples from our own family and from those of our clients’ families to demonstrate the dramatic difference between trying to solve problems and make decisions the way the larger culture teaches us to do it, and how things work when we instead use Compassion Consultation to draw forth our truest selves, align our solutions and decisions with spiritual principles and values we want to live by, and reach profound levels of understanding and unity.

Our experience at the conference reminded us that once we begin to see the dramatic difference between the relatively adolescent methods of deliberation, problem solving and decision-making currently in use in our larger culture and the beauty, profundity and maturity of the Compassionate Consultation process, we also begin to realize that this process that can transform the life of a family at the micro level can also transform the life of humankind at the macro level. 

All of us are pre-wired to use Compassionate Consultation; it just takes learning the principles and disciplines involved to begin putting it into practice and gaining the transformative outcomes.  To explore these ideas and examples more fully, see our book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.  If you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul region and want to join a group of people who meet together regularly to improve their practice of Compassionate Consultation (and Wall-Seeking), please contact us for more information on The Growth Lab (contact[at]harleycoaching.com).

How Good Are You At Detaching Your Ego From Your Ideas?

By Bill Harley

When deliberating on any issue with your spouse, kids, neighbors, friends or colleagues, there is an important (and often overlooked) factor that has a major impact on the outcome: the degree to which you can detach your ego from your ideas. 

By “ego” I mean the selfish, self-centered aspect of our being that wants what it wants when it wants it.  This aspect of our being tends to get triggered when we have adversarial, partisan or ideological contention with others.  Your ego feels that the way the other person or the group responds to your ideas is a direct commentary on your value as a person.  Consequently, if your idea is accepted, your ego gets puffed up and feels victorious; if your idea is rejected or ignored, your ego feels deflated and defeated.  Your ego is always ready and willing to do battle.

On the other hand, your higher nature, your true self, has the capacity to detach your ego from your ideas.  Consequently, you then have the capacity to articulate your idea clearly, succinctly and briefly, then hand over the idea to the other person or the group.  Whether the idea is accepted, rejected or refashioned by the others does nothing to add or subtract from your sense of self-worth.

When everyone in this process has developed the capacity to separate their egos from their ideas, the group is able to perform at an exceptionally high level to produce transformative ideas, solutions and agreements.

To understand how this works, consider a group of people working together on a jigsaw puzzle (solving a problem).  One person picks up a piece of the puzzle (an idea) and tries to connect it to another piece, but it does not fit.  Another person watching the first person thinks that piece may fit somewhere else, but when that person reaches for the puzzle piece, the first person won’t let go of it. 

When each person at the table stays “attached” to his or her puzzle pieces (ideas), the creativity of the group becomes chained up. So does the capacity of all members to build on each other’s ideas, and the diversity of perspectives.  The group performs poorly and  relationships suffer in the process.

If each member instead would try to fit a puzzle piece (an idea) to another piece and remain detached from the result, the puzzle pieces would change hands many times, the pieces would get rotated and placed in many new positions, clusters of assembled pieces would be created more quickly and connected to other clusters. The free-flowing diversity of perspectives would allow the group to perform more efficiently and relationships would improve.

Detaching Your Ego from Your Ideas is just one of 12 Behavioral Standards that inform the revolutionary decision-making process called, Compassionate Consultation, which is the deliberation process for the 21stCentury and beyond.  For the full story, read our second book entitled, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions that Change Your Life.

A Musical Gift From A Reader

Recently, we were delighted to hear from a reader who was inspired by our book, “Now That I’m Here What Should I Be Doing?”.  Vicki Morrison Goble, a singer-songwriter, was reflecting on what she had learned from the book when she composed an original song entitled, “Wall Seeker”.  You can access Vicki’s song and lyrics below, but first let me describe the context for the song.

In our book, Jean and I examine the spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and social growth patterns designed into life by the Creator.  One aspect of these patterns is that as we seek desired things in our lives, we encounter obstacles or “watchmen” who seem to obstruct us and drive us off path; but in reality, these watchmen drive us toward walls we need to scale in order to both grow in capacity and find the truest manifestation of the desired thing we seek.  In the book, we conclude that all of us need to become wall seekers rather than wall avoiders if we want to grow and fulfill the ultimate purposes of life.

We were very moved by the way Vicki artfully internalized the themes in the book and created this very special song, and we are delighted to share it with all of you here.  Just click the play arrow below to listen.  Lyrics are below as well.

Thank you, Vicki!  Happy wall-seeking!

“Wall Seeker” by Vicki Morrison Goble

Guitars, production, mixing and mastering by Paul Adamson

Verse 1

Darkness pervades my reality.

Mischief is everywhere I see.

Blindness mistaken for vanishing light.

Winds of despair blowing clouds in my eyes.

Verse 2

Searching for wisdom, I stumble and fall.

I flee from the watchmen, run into a wall.

There’s nowhere to go; I have run out of time.

A burst of frustration persuades me to climb.

Chorus 1

Wall seeker, wall seeker, that’s what I will be.

The wall conceals something that’s precious to me.

I need to take action; I know what to do.

Climbing the wall is my only way through.

Verse 3

I’m over the wall now and to my surprise

I find what I’m seeking, laid bare before my eyes

My vision is sharp and my purpose is clear

Knowledge has helped me to sublimate my fear.

Chorus 2

Wall seeker, wall seeker, that’s what I’ve become.

I’ve more walls to climb; there is never just one.

Guided by watchmen; each wall that I find

Inspires me to leave my old blindness behind

To learn more about Vicki and hear more of her music, visit http://www.latebloomersrock.com/.

To read our book, which inspired this song, visit smarturl.it/NOWtg

Searching For "The One"

By Bill Harley

In our first book—Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?—we explore a profound parable in which a lover has been unsuccessfully seeking his beloved for long years.  He comes to a point where he can no longer bear the separation from his beloved and goes on a quest to relieve his suffering.  During his quest, he is obstructed and chased by “watchmen”—people who seem intent on harming him and driving him off course.  To escape the watchmen, he climbs a wall and throws himself into the darkness on the other side.  There he unexpectedly finds the beloved for whom he has been searching.  In our book we explore how all of us are seeking different kinds of beloveds, encountering “watchmen” forces that seem to obstruct our search, and scaling “walls” that we go over with great difficulty in order to reach a new phase of growth and awareness.

In reflecting on my life before I encountered this parable, I can see the same spiritual dynamics playing out then as throughout my life.  An example is the story of how I found my wife, Jean. 

I went to college in the 1960s and had dated several women in the formal way we did back then, but was finding it difficult to connect deeply with anyone.  In the fall of 1965 I attended a dance at the sorority of a platonic friend of mine, Peg. 

I was chatting with Peg when I glanced at the dance floor and then said to Peg, “Who is THAT!”  Peg said, “Oh, that’s Jean DeVilliers.  She just transferred here from the University of Colorado.  Would you like to meet her?” 

I said, “Yes, I would!” 

Peg said, “Maybe you should ask her to dance.” 

Accepting Peg’s advice, I excused myself and started walking  toward Jean, who was dancing. There seemed to be an aura surrounding her.  I walked up behind the fellow she was dancing with, tapped him on the shoulder to cut-in, and he reluctantly stepped aside.  I quickly introduced myself to Jean, we made it halfway around the dance floor in polite conversation, and then someone else cut-in on me.  I waited a decent interval and then cut back in on him.  After moving halfway around the dance floor again, someone else cut-in.  It seemed that other guys were noticing Jean’s aura too.

I knew I could get Jean’s phone number from Peg, so before leaving the dance I cut-in three more times so that Jean would remember me when I called.  When I did phone her the following week, she didn’t remember me.  We had a five minute discussion, I asked her to go out with me, and she turned me down—courteously, but firmly.  After the call, I reasoned that all the guys who had been cutting-in on each other at the dance were probably calling her, too. 

I was not discouraged.  My heart was telling me that she might be the one.  I decided to call her again every week until she agreed to go out with me.

The next week I called her and we talked for about ten minutes but she wouldn’t go out with me.  The following week, we talked for fifteen minutes, I learned that she was “going steady” with some guy from the University of Colorado.  The next week we talked for twenty minutes. I learned that she had transferred back to Minnesota from Colorado partly to get some distance between her and the guy she was going steady with. She still wouldn’t go out with me.  The next week we talked for thirty minutes.  We were starting to get friendly.  I was bold enough to say that if the relationship with the guy in Colorado was solid, it couldn’t be hurt by going out with someone else; and if it wasn’t solid, she should be going out with other people.  She still wouldn’t go out with me. 

Even though I was getting somewhat discouraged, I was also encouraged.  Sure, she wouldn’t go out with me, but each time we talked we were getting to know each other better, and our conversations were going deeper.  She still didn’t remember me from the dance, but she was remembering me from the phone conversations.  We were really becoming friends.  I felt like I was climbing a mountain and the summit was in view.

Then came the final phone call in the series.  On that day, I called her about 4:30 PM and we talked for two hours.  We both jabbered our heads off disclosing all sorts of things about ourselves, laughing, nearly crying once, learning how alike we were in some ways and different in others, and feeling increasingly like long-lost, authentic friends.  I was living at home at the time, and my parents kept yelling up the stairs that dinner was ready. I ignored them repeatedly.  The connection Jean and I were experiencing over the phone was too precious to interrupt.  I felt sure she was feeling the same way I was, so finally I said, “Now, will you please go out with me?”  To my surprise, she said, “I am so sorry, but I can’t”.  The phone call ended.

I sat for a while in stunned disbelief.  Everything I had seen and heard from her made we want to be with her. She was wonderful!  It seemed like she was the one.  But she didn’t seem to feel the same way about me.  Frankly, I was crushed.  A voice, which had been lurking in my head, said: This girl is way out of your league—wake-up and smell the coffee!  I realized I had totally misread the situation by imputing to her the same feelings I was having.  This was just the sort of deep connection I had been seeking, and yet it was not to be.  I stopped calling her and worked on reconciling myself to continuing solitude in terms of a significant other.  I knew I had to detach from the idea of being with her—maybe this was not the best relationship for me despite the attraction I felt—and I suffered and struggled with this for about a month.

Then one day I ran into my friend Tom and his girlfriend Carol, a friend of Jean’s.  We chatted for a few minutes, and then Carol said, “Bill, weren’t you trying to go out with Jean DeVilliers?” 

I said, “Yes, I sure was, but she would not go out with me.” 

Carol said, “Maybe you should ask her out again.” 

I said, “Oh no, Carol, she really doesn’t want to go out with me.”  Carol smiled and replied, “Well you never know.  I think you should call her again.” 

“Carol, you don’t understand,” I said.  “I called her again and again.  We’ve talked for hours on the phone—and each time we talked I asked her out.  She won’t budge.  She has no interest in going out with me.” 

Carol’s eyes narrowed. She set her jaw, grabbed my forearm, pushed her face right up to my face, and said loudly and sternly, “BILL—CALL HER AGAIN!!!!!” 

I was dumbstruck.  I had never seen such fierceness in Carol before. I heard myself meekly say, “OK.  I will.” 

With that, Carol walked away; Tom winked at me, and followed Carol.

That evening after I had collected my senses, I called Jean.  She was very friendly, seemed happy to hear from me, and after only five minutes I asked her to go out with me.  She said, “I would love to.  How about next weekend?” 

Well, the rest is history.  We got married three years later and just celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary this year. 

I later found out that Jean had turned me down for the last time because she had been scaling the wall of trying to break up with the fellow she was going steady with on the strength of our emerging telephone relationship.  She went over that wall during our long call, but she didn’t want to say “yes” to me without first being honest with the other fellow; however, once she had accomplished that, I had stopped calling.  Since it wasn’t socially accepted in those days for a woman to ask out a man, Jean had recruited her friend Carol to shock me back to life because now she was ready to go out with me.  In the meantime, I had been struggling to scale the wall of detaching from my near obsession with being with Jean; and recognizing that I could not control another person’s heart.  Once both of us had scaled our walls of growth, we were able to gain our beloveds. 

For both of us, lovers seeking beloveds were involved; numerous watchmen were involved—some repelling and some attracting; and walls were involved that needed scaling.  Where in all of our lives are these dynamics present?  They are meant to get our attention because they are tailored uniquely to each of us; and they illustrate the pattern of spiritual, social, intellectual and emotional growth we are supposed to be navigating in our earthly existence.

To learn more about these dynamics, see our book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?

To learn more about how to create powerful solutions in marriage and family life, see our book, Transformed: How To Make The Decisions That Change Your Life.

The Release Of Our Second Book: Transformed

By Bill Harley

It was just a year ago that Jean and I announced the release of our first book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing? —Discover Life’s Purpose.  We are so grateful for all of your support and positive feedback about the book! 

Today I have another special announcement….the completion of a true labor of love:

The release of our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, which is now available on Amazon and in bookstores.

In this new book, we introduce a transformative decision-making process—compassionate consultation—for individuals, couples, families, organizations, communities and institutions that:

*Engages the whole human being—intellectually, spiritually, socially and    emotionally;

*Improves relationships at all levels;

*Calls forth latent qualities and capacities in its practitioners;

*Fosters true interpenetration of diverse thoughts;

*Dramatically deepens understanding;

*Yields creative, robust decisions that rise above partisan and ideological bickering;  and

*Results in justice and unity. 

For those of you who have benefited from our facilitation services over the years, this book provides the full story behind the processes that have made a difference for you and your organizations.

For those of you who read our first book (about the ultimate purposes of life and the spiritual, intellectual, emotional and social growth patterns designed into life), you will recall that we briefly introduced a revolutionary decision-making process that aligned with these purposes and patterns.  We also promised a full exploration of this decision-making process in our next book.  Our second book just released is that sequel to the first book.

When you think about it, decisions large and small determine the course and quality of life—for an individual, a couple, a family, an organization, a community, a country, and the world.  Today, we are experiencing a decision-making crisis.  Increasing complexities and accelerating changes in life are outpacing our traditional decision-making resources.  TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life introduces the decision-making remedy to this dilemma—compassionate consultation.

The release of these two books marks the completion of the first phase of efforts to share our learning about the purposes of life, and making decisions and taking action in alignment with them.  Now on to the next phase of this journey: sharing, demonstrating and teaching the concepts and practices in these books with all of you through blogging, workshops and other shared learning spaces!  Stay tuned for more information to come regarding these additional resources.

For now, Jean and I are so excited to share this second book with you!  We are grateful to be connected with you.